Why I Am Retiring From StarCraft II

After 13,284 ladder matches and a year-and-a-half of non-stop, heart-pounding, genre-defining action that will no doubt define the human race and their accomplishments as a species, I can firmly conclude that StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty is the worst video game that I have ever played. I thought that Deus Ex was the worst game of all-time but it turned out that I was wrong. StarCraft II made my balls itch that much harder. I am done with this worthless video game, and I want everybody to know why I will be purchasing the StarCraft II expansion pack Heart of the Swarm on the second day instead of the first.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Six hours ago, I was searching for a StarCraft II ladder match using the Battle.net 2.0 matchmaking service. I was already in a bad mood because the service claims to match players of equal skill, but here I am, playing people in Bronze League. Yeah, okay. Apparently, the matchmaking system does not care how many noobs you no-scoped on Xbox Live, where the real athletes perform. Even worse, my dad was heading up to the store, and my mom told me that I had to keep an eye on my little brother. I told this to some people on a random internet message board and they said something about “first-world problems LOL”, but fuck the haters. I told my little brother that he can cook his own damn food. A ladder match on StarCraft II would cheer me up and drown out his cries for help. I said, “Bitch, the house isn’t on fire. I am.”

It started off like most matches. My opponent said “Hello. :)” I said “Hi.” I asked what race he was playing. He said that it was a secret. By the time our conversation was over, I told him to “meet me in the middle with 200 supply worth of units you fucking dogshit licker”. He said “Ok. :)” He may have been a dogshit licker, but I had a secret weapon. I proceeded to build 400 Zerglings, which are like the aliens from Aliens. 400 Zerglings are arguably the best unit composition in the game. At the time, I could not think of an army that could beat 400 Zerglings…in StarCraft, or Halo, or Madden, or whatever game I’m dominating. I went to the middle of the map and told him to “get the fuck out here so I can dominate your noob ass.” But suddenly, with no warning (because I was not using my map hack at the time), he attacks me with 200 supply of Carriers! How is this supposed to be fair? His units are flying in the air! I moved my Zerglings onto higher ground but they could not jump and reach the Carriers, which only floated high enough off the ground as necessary to taunt my puny Zerglings. I told my opponent to stop being a bitch but he did not care. As he killed my last building, he said “Good game. :)”. But in reality, it was a terrible game because this smiling shithead cheated.

Incompetent, unresponsive, go-it-alone teammates like these are the reason that I switched to League of Legends.

By this point, I was so frustrated that I punched numerous holes in your face for reading this article. You probably think this is funny but I did not think this was funny. I was mad and something needed to be done about it. I decided that in order to play this video game at its highest levels, I should watch what the professional StarCraft players do. How fast and accurately you can move and execute with a mouse is directly proportional to your knowledge of the game, so this was the obvious course of action. The field of E-Sports™ would reveal my chosen strategy. But instead of winning, I lost twelve times in a row! It did not work at all! I was so pissed off. Maybe I didn’t understand the context of the strategy, how to make the build order work. Who is Naniwa, and why should I attack with my Probes at the beginning of the game? That is what I asked the Blizzard Game Manager when he accused me of trying to lose games on purpose. I said that “I saw this build order in a professional game so I am legally obligated to copy it.” He did not accept my answer, and he said that he would ban me if I did this strategy again. I think he just wanted to steal this strategy from me but since he is a Blizzard Game Manager (which is like Chief Justice John Roberts in Cyberspace times a thousand), I had no choice but to e-mail him the paperwork when I copyrighted the build order for my own non-private commercial use.

All that money spent copyrighting the build and nothing to show for it. I asked the government for my money back, but they threatened to raise my taxes and spend the country into financial ruin if I persisted. At this point, I was so mad that I killed twenty-seven people eating at a restaurant. The news broadcast claimed I was a murderer and the policeman put a gun to my head and said that he was here to arrest me, but I calmly explained that you have never tried to play against the “1-1-1 build on StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty, the critically-acclaimed sequel in the StarCraft franchise.” It turned out I was wrong. “No, I’ve played the game. I understand completely”, he said. Rather than arresting me, the police officer let me go. He said to make sure that I “Give those Terrans hell!” If I killed any of your loved ones, I am sorry, and I will not kill them again. It would be my job to make sure that their sacrifice would not be forgotten.

The only way to get the blood off my hands (other than washing them in the sink) was to redeem myself. I loaded up StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty for ThePirateBay Entertainment System and decided to play as the Terrans, who are the humans in the game. This was my last stand. I would use this fearsome “1-1-1 build” and destroy the competition. One Marine, one Marauder, one Hellion, and so forth. It would be like the A-Team, but with one more Tank, Raven, and Viking than the A-Team has. I found a game, and repeatedly told my opponent that “the pain train is rolling into town you fuckface”. All he could say was “no english”. Whatever that means. Lol. Not that it mattered what it meant, because I had just told my units to attack the enemy base and knew that victory would be mine shortly.

But then the unthinkable happened.

He attacked me with 400 Zerglings.

He said “zerg rush ^_^”.

It was at this point that I threw my computer in the garbage can, lit the garbage can on fire, and threw the garbage can at my mom, who yelled at me for lighting her on fire. She started going on about some crap that I’m not supposed to treat her this way. Not that I cared, anyway. Then she said that I was grounded and that she was not going to buy me another copy of StarCraft II. I needed a second account so I could smurf (so that I could beat up on the noob), but she said that I already had a copy. Yeah, okay. It’s not my fault I left the CD in the computer when I set it on fire. Yeah mom, “burn a backup copy of the game”. Well, I burned that shit. Lol.

Speaking of sick burns, I went on the Battle.net Forums and posted much of what has been written here, but Michael Morhaime banned me because he knew that I was right. “Spamming and trolling”, my ass. So yeah, I’m posting it on this blog, where everything I say is important. But whether my blog is important is not important. The problem is that StarCraft II sucks more dicks than Sarah Kerrigan did in that fanfic I fapped to last night. People keep talking about StarCraft II as though it is not the worst video game ever made and I firmly disagree. “But IGN said it was the worst game ever!” Yeah, IGN may have given StarCraft II a nine-out-of-ten (their lowest score ever) but you can’t trust the mainstream review sites these days. IGN has been going downhill since they gave Halo 2 a 9.5-out-of-10. So I’ll give you the real reasons that StarCraft II sucks.

Let me explain the problems with StarCraft II by comparing it to the best video game on the market right now. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3™ (not to be confused with Call of Duty: Black Ops™, which received a fifteen-out-of-five score on this web site) brings interactive entertainment to my Xbox 360™ home entertainment device like no other game you can find. The single-player campaign put me back into the fight and told the compelling story of Soap “Soap” Roberts™ in his quest to repel Soviet Russia™. When I was done playing the incredible single-player campaign, I jumped into the Xbox Live Experience™ where I was able to play Call of Duty™ in an environment like no other. I hope that all future video games give you the option of playing human beings across through the internet. If I was to objectively review the game on this web site, I would objectively state that objectively, Modern Warfare 3™ is the best video game that I have ever played.

Modern Warfare 3™ sets a gold standard in video games for its use of color.

I cannot say the same thing about StarCraft II and there are a couple of things that Blizzard could learn from a competing developer like Activision. The first problem with StarCraft II is that there is too much emphasis on thinking. I am not an egghead, thanks. In Call of Duty™, all you have to do is no-scope noobs. When I come home from my job (where I make money, which is what you do not have, because you are poor and need to get a job), I do not want to think. If I want to think, I will watch The Big Bang Theory, a hilarious network television program about the geeks that I used to beat up in high school. Chuck Lorre is a television genius and I am happy he writes television that speaks to intelligent people like me. And just like with television, I want a video game where I can shut off my brain and tell my girlfriend to unlock the achievement where she makes me a sandwich. I do not want to play a video game where you are rewarded for getting good grades on the SATs, which is why StarCraft II is dominated by Asians, which is a related reason that I do not like the game. It is not a racism thing. It’s a “they started the war” thing and they got dominated for it. Just my opinion, though.

The other problem is that StarCraft II requires a mouse and keyboard. I do not understand why there is not an adapter option for the ergonomically-sound Xbox 360™ controller. I was Top 10,000 on the Xbox Live™ leaderboards for the real-time strategy classic Halo Wars™ and I feel that I could perform at a much higher level if I was using thumbsticks instead of a mouse and keyboard. StarCraft II does not even allow you to map corpsehumping to the keyboard. Predictably, none of the mainstream game reviewers mentioned this. Guess they were busy giving Command and Conquer 4 perfect scores. What a joke.

If I had to explain the biggest problem with StarCraft II, it is that video games are way too hard these days. I must have died a hundred times on the first mission in Batman: Arkham City. Catwoman can only take about thirty hits before she dies, so there is absolutely no margin for error. But after I finally beat that mission, my friend came up to me and said, “If you think Batman: Arkham City is hard, wait until you play The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim!” And I I was like, “No way! I gotta see this!” Then we spent a week trying to kill the first dragon, and we got drunk afterwards because it was so bitchin’. During which time all the other players had completed most of the game, because they have no lives and bought the Prima Strategy Guide, which is what all the pros use to be good at StarCraft II.

And that’s my point. I don’t have the time, discipline, mental acumen, or attitude necessary to become good at video games. Let me rephrase myself: I don’t have the money to buy the strategy guide. “BUT YUO HAVE A JOBS AND MAKE MONIES???” Yeah, which I spend on things that suck my dick, i.e. “a girlfriend”, something you don’t have. “BUT YUO PAYLED SKYRIMS FOR A WEEK STRAIT?” That’s not the point, you idiot. The point is that you’ll never get a girlfriend and get laid like I do if you spend all day trying to master a children’s toy like StarCraft II. And certainly not a children’s toy that, when compared to the godly masterpiece that is StarCraft: Brood War, does not reward the player for high Actions Per Minute.

So that’s all I have to say on the topic. You can go back to playing your crappy girl games like StarCraft II and you can leave the discussion of good video games to the experts like me. Haha, just kidding. Video games are for virgins and I wouldn’t be caught dead discussing them on a web site or writing five-thousand-word essays about them. Let me put it this way: What’s the difference between my girlfriend and StarCraft II? StarCraft II isn’t giving me a blowjob while writing this article, which is what my girlfriend is doing right now, which is one of the many reasons that I am retiring from the game. She likes to pretend that I am Total Annihilation and she is an inferior real-time strategy game like StarCraft II, and yeah, you bet I’m going to be totally annihilating that shit. Lol.

In conclusion, StarCraft II sucks and video games are for losers. Gonna go play Call of Duty™. Bye, n00bs.

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